She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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