doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
