its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize