Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
