i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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