At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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