it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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