why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
