If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
