hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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