im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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