:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
