K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
