Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
