She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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