I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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