you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
