LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
