I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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