You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
