Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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