No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
