in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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