I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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