I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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