I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
