I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
