I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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