shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
