Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
