I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
