I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
