I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
