you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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