Im at strip club and am horny
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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