Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
