dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
