I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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