So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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