so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
