I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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