Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
