We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
