im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize