my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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