Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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