apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
