So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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