Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
