if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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