Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
