I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
