Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
