I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
