The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
