what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
