i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
ok first of all what the fuck
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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