he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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