"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
