Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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