You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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