if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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