don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
