So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
