Who wears a wallet chain?!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
