he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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