I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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