my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize