I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
