The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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