My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
