Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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